Post by Jerry on Oct 31, 2013 19:46:57 GMT
Well the night of Halloween seems like a good time to share with you the secret that has burdened me since my earliest days.
There was an unspeakably terrifying creature living in our loo.
When I say our loo that’s only partly true because we had to share it with our next door neighbours and the unspeakably terrifying creature.
Now going back to my earliest memories, to the days when I was deemed too young to visit the outside loo at night by myself, I realise that the unspeakably terrifying creature had no power over our Mum.
When I had to visit the outside loo after dark our Mum would escort me armed with a candle and some squares of newspaper. She would stand outside the loo until I declared all tasks complete then she’d do the necessary with the squares of newspaper, flush the loo and escort me safely back to the house.
Well dear readers I am here to tell you that not once during those escorted trips did the unspeakably terrifying creature show itself. Proof, if proof was needed, that even an unspeakably terrifying creature wouldn’t have the courage to challenge a wild Irish mother guarding her young!
Came the day when my Dad decided that I was old enough to take myself to the loo at night.
A bitter sweet day, I think. On the one hand, a sort of “coming of age” moment, swelling of the chest and swaggering of the walk. On the other hand, complete physical and mental meltdown when, on the first night of the new regime, you realise that you have to make your own way to that forbidding place and enter there without any backup!
Well, mon braves, this was when the unspeakably terrifying creature first made an appearance.
Well, not an appearance, as such, he was much too cunning for that but this was when I first realised that he was there.
You see, now that I was in the loo unaccompanied, so to speak, I could concentrate more on my surroundings. Prior to that, with Mum stood outside, the constant exchange of warm words and banter between us through the loo door had distracted me from realising that there was an unspeakably terrifying creature in there with me!
How I miss those moments shared with Mum through the loo door.
Sometimes even now, when sitting in my centrally heated bathroom I can hear, as if it was only yesterday, my worried call “Are you still there Mum?” and her warm caring response “Will you hurry up and finish, ya little gobshite, I’m freezing out here!”
Well back to my first solo nocturnal visit to the outside loo. This was when I first sensed the presence of the unspeakably terrifying creature. I reasoned that he must have been hiding in the overhead cistern all this time waiting to get me alone.
I also reasoned that, like the genie in the lamp, he was trapped until I released him
Now you might think that this was a lot of reasoning for a scared kid sitting in the dark in an outside loo but hey, I was a pretty smart kid, I wore glasses, need I say any more?
So, how to escape the clutches of the unspeakably terrifying creature?
This was when my inherent intellectual genius first manifested itself.
Voices off: Your what?
Me: my inherent intellectual genius.
Voices off: What’s that when it’s out?
Me: Being sneaky
Voices off: Well why didn’t you say that, gobshite
Me: Sorry.
Voices off: Ok, get on with it!
I devised a sophisticated escape strategy, I knew that when I pulled the chain to flush the loo the unspeakably terrifying creature would be able to escape but I further reasoned that he would first have to allow all the water to run out of the cistern. The solution, then, was obvious to someone of myinherent sneakiness.
Pull the chain on the overhead cistern but be long gone before it’s finished flushing so that I won’t be there when the unspeakably terrifying creature emerges.
So this is the strategy that I adopted.
First, open the loo door.
Second, take several deep breaths.
Third, pull the chain to flush the loo
Fourth, without breathing, run like the clappers for the house and get in the door before the unspeakably terrifying creature can get you.
Childish and paranoid did you say?
Well let me tell you cynics out there that this strategy has served me well throughout the years.
Not once has the unspeakably terrifying creature been able to get me
…….So far
Happy Halloween
There was an unspeakably terrifying creature living in our loo.
When I say our loo that’s only partly true because we had to share it with our next door neighbours and the unspeakably terrifying creature.
Now going back to my earliest memories, to the days when I was deemed too young to visit the outside loo at night by myself, I realise that the unspeakably terrifying creature had no power over our Mum.
When I had to visit the outside loo after dark our Mum would escort me armed with a candle and some squares of newspaper. She would stand outside the loo until I declared all tasks complete then she’d do the necessary with the squares of newspaper, flush the loo and escort me safely back to the house.
Well dear readers I am here to tell you that not once during those escorted trips did the unspeakably terrifying creature show itself. Proof, if proof was needed, that even an unspeakably terrifying creature wouldn’t have the courage to challenge a wild Irish mother guarding her young!
Came the day when my Dad decided that I was old enough to take myself to the loo at night.
A bitter sweet day, I think. On the one hand, a sort of “coming of age” moment, swelling of the chest and swaggering of the walk. On the other hand, complete physical and mental meltdown when, on the first night of the new regime, you realise that you have to make your own way to that forbidding place and enter there without any backup!
Well, mon braves, this was when the unspeakably terrifying creature first made an appearance.
Well, not an appearance, as such, he was much too cunning for that but this was when I first realised that he was there.
You see, now that I was in the loo unaccompanied, so to speak, I could concentrate more on my surroundings. Prior to that, with Mum stood outside, the constant exchange of warm words and banter between us through the loo door had distracted me from realising that there was an unspeakably terrifying creature in there with me!
How I miss those moments shared with Mum through the loo door.
Sometimes even now, when sitting in my centrally heated bathroom I can hear, as if it was only yesterday, my worried call “Are you still there Mum?” and her warm caring response “Will you hurry up and finish, ya little gobshite, I’m freezing out here!”
Well back to my first solo nocturnal visit to the outside loo. This was when I first sensed the presence of the unspeakably terrifying creature. I reasoned that he must have been hiding in the overhead cistern all this time waiting to get me alone.
I also reasoned that, like the genie in the lamp, he was trapped until I released him
Now you might think that this was a lot of reasoning for a scared kid sitting in the dark in an outside loo but hey, I was a pretty smart kid, I wore glasses, need I say any more?
So, how to escape the clutches of the unspeakably terrifying creature?
This was when my inherent intellectual genius first manifested itself.
Voices off: Your what?
Me: my inherent intellectual genius.
Voices off: What’s that when it’s out?
Me: Being sneaky
Voices off: Well why didn’t you say that, gobshite
Me: Sorry.
Voices off: Ok, get on with it!
I devised a sophisticated escape strategy, I knew that when I pulled the chain to flush the loo the unspeakably terrifying creature would be able to escape but I further reasoned that he would first have to allow all the water to run out of the cistern. The solution, then, was obvious to someone of my
Pull the chain on the overhead cistern but be long gone before it’s finished flushing so that I won’t be there when the unspeakably terrifying creature emerges.
So this is the strategy that I adopted.
First, open the loo door.
Second, take several deep breaths.
Third, pull the chain to flush the loo
Fourth, without breathing, run like the clappers for the house and get in the door before the unspeakably terrifying creature can get you.
Childish and paranoid did you say?
Well let me tell you cynics out there that this strategy has served me well throughout the years.
Not once has the unspeakably terrifying creature been able to get me
…….So far
Happy Halloween