Post by Jerry on Feb 28, 2014 20:25:10 GMT
She's been on Countdown again, which gives me an excuse to repost this load of nonsense.
Out of all the "humorous" poems I've written this is probably my favourite.
I know some of you will have seen it before but I thought it was worth airing again for some of the newer members.
I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it.
BITS AND PIECES
Chapter one
Lorraine
I first met Lorraine on the banks of the Seine, our meeting was purely by chance
She was on holiday like me and straight away I could see that fate had
arranged this romance
It was love at first sight and we danced through the night and embraced as the new morning broke
It was clear that our lives were forever entwined, we knew it though neither one spoke.
We stood at the back of the boat on the Seine, I adored her and leaned over to tell her
It was then that I managed to trip her somehow and she fell right into the propeller
I dived overboard with my heart in my mouth, "Oh Lord let me save her I beg"
There were bits of her flying to north and to south, all I could grab was an arm and a leg.
I have them here now in my freezer at home to remind me of my love Lorraine
Her arm and her leg both wrapped up in foam, so sad that we won't meet again
Chapter two
Brenda
To get over the pain of losing Lorraine, I next took a journey to Spain. It was there I met Brenda, at a holiday hacienda, and fell madly in love once again
All reason was lost as we sailed round the Costas, with Cupid's love darts we were smote
One night on a whim we decided to swim and set sail from the coast in a boat
The full moon was bright, we were filled with delight and I pushed Brenda in for a lark
Imagine my shock and my horror and fright when I spotted the incoming shark
I helplessly suffered the terrible sight of the shark as on Brenda he fed
And when he had finished, all that was left, was an arm and a leg and her head
I have them here too in my freezer at home to remind me of what might have been
They'll always be with me wherever I roam, wrapped safely in clear polythene
Chapter three
Maryanne
To help heal my heart, I next did depart, for Africa and the Sudan. I rode to Khartoum in a camel safari and it was here I met Sweet Maryanne
She was all that I'd dreamed of with long golden hair, again it was love at first sight
My love I declared, a love that she shared, and we sat hand in hand through the night.
We decided next day to just sneak away and be by ourselves, hearts aquiver
With love we were smote so we hired a small boat and sailed off alone down the river
We sat there that night in the silver moonlight and toasted our love with champagne
And brandy and schnapps and whisky and gin, we toasted again and again
Mary sat down in the back of the boat and lowered her head o'er the Nile
Next thing I knew she was grabbed by the throat in the jaws of a huge crocodile
It pulled Mary out of the boat by her throat, a beast twelve feet long. maybe more so
I grabbed hold of her waist but the croc ate the rest, all that's left now is her torso
And now I'm bereft, it's all I have left to remind me of that tragic caper
I've got it at home, in the freezer of course, wrapped up in best grease proof paper
Chapter four
Getting It Together
Last week in a bookshop in Rome I discovered a dusty old rare magic book
with gold inlaid pages and black leather covered, I couldn't help taking a look
Inside it I've found the answer I've sought to my sadness, my grief and my strife
A spell that will summon a demon from hell, one who brings bits and pieces to life
I've laid out the pieces, the bits that remain, of Lorraine and of Brenda and Mary
I've recited the words of the spell so arcane even though I'll admit it was scary
Now I await to find out my fate and I feel the whole room start to tremble
The demon appears, the cause of my fears, and the body bits start to assemble
Amidst all the flames and the smoke, thick and heady, from the table a shadowy figure now rises
It's moving toward me, limping, unsteady ( not surprising, it's legs are of different sizes )
The smoke has now cleared and it's worse than I feared, I've done something I just hadn't oughta
Run for the hills! Flee for your lives! I've gone and made
Janet Street Porter!
THE (bitter) END
By way of explanation, she's been appearing as a guest on Countdown all this week
Hi Janet, are we still friends?
Jerry
Out of all the "humorous" poems I've written this is probably my favourite.
I know some of you will have seen it before but I thought it was worth airing again for some of the newer members.
I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it.
BITS AND PIECES
Chapter one
Lorraine
I first met Lorraine on the banks of the Seine, our meeting was purely by chance
She was on holiday like me and straight away I could see that fate had
arranged this romance
It was love at first sight and we danced through the night and embraced as the new morning broke
It was clear that our lives were forever entwined, we knew it though neither one spoke.
We stood at the back of the boat on the Seine, I adored her and leaned over to tell her
It was then that I managed to trip her somehow and she fell right into the propeller
I dived overboard with my heart in my mouth, "Oh Lord let me save her I beg"
There were bits of her flying to north and to south, all I could grab was an arm and a leg.
I have them here now in my freezer at home to remind me of my love Lorraine
Her arm and her leg both wrapped up in foam, so sad that we won't meet again
Chapter two
Brenda
To get over the pain of losing Lorraine, I next took a journey to Spain. It was there I met Brenda, at a holiday hacienda, and fell madly in love once again
All reason was lost as we sailed round the Costas, with Cupid's love darts we were smote
One night on a whim we decided to swim and set sail from the coast in a boat
The full moon was bright, we were filled with delight and I pushed Brenda in for a lark
Imagine my shock and my horror and fright when I spotted the incoming shark
I helplessly suffered the terrible sight of the shark as on Brenda he fed
And when he had finished, all that was left, was an arm and a leg and her head
I have them here too in my freezer at home to remind me of what might have been
They'll always be with me wherever I roam, wrapped safely in clear polythene
Chapter three
Maryanne
To help heal my heart, I next did depart, for Africa and the Sudan. I rode to Khartoum in a camel safari and it was here I met Sweet Maryanne
She was all that I'd dreamed of with long golden hair, again it was love at first sight
My love I declared, a love that she shared, and we sat hand in hand through the night.
We decided next day to just sneak away and be by ourselves, hearts aquiver
With love we were smote so we hired a small boat and sailed off alone down the river
We sat there that night in the silver moonlight and toasted our love with champagne
And brandy and schnapps and whisky and gin, we toasted again and again
Mary sat down in the back of the boat and lowered her head o'er the Nile
Next thing I knew she was grabbed by the throat in the jaws of a huge crocodile
It pulled Mary out of the boat by her throat, a beast twelve feet long. maybe more so
I grabbed hold of her waist but the croc ate the rest, all that's left now is her torso
And now I'm bereft, it's all I have left to remind me of that tragic caper
I've got it at home, in the freezer of course, wrapped up in best grease proof paper
Chapter four
Getting It Together
Last week in a bookshop in Rome I discovered a dusty old rare magic book
with gold inlaid pages and black leather covered, I couldn't help taking a look
Inside it I've found the answer I've sought to my sadness, my grief and my strife
A spell that will summon a demon from hell, one who brings bits and pieces to life
I've laid out the pieces, the bits that remain, of Lorraine and of Brenda and Mary
I've recited the words of the spell so arcane even though I'll admit it was scary
Now I await to find out my fate and I feel the whole room start to tremble
The demon appears, the cause of my fears, and the body bits start to assemble
Amidst all the flames and the smoke, thick and heady, from the table a shadowy figure now rises
It's moving toward me, limping, unsteady ( not surprising, it's legs are of different sizes )
The smoke has now cleared and it's worse than I feared, I've done something I just hadn't oughta
Run for the hills! Flee for your lives! I've gone and made
Janet Street Porter!
THE (bitter) END
By way of explanation, she's been appearing as a guest on Countdown all this week
Hi Janet, are we still friends?
Jerry